I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize