I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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