The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
