3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
