Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
