Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
