is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I will pee on everything he values.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
