I wish I only lived at night.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
