i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
