The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
operation have a gay friend backfired
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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