farters have to be the big spoon...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
