i just wanna soil my oats bro
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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