well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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