i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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