I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
