The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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