this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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