Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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