On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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