There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
