The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
