my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
They are going to name an STD after you.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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