i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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