Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize