Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
