That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
