I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
