Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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