Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize