I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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