I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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