Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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