I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
