I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i came on her dog
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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