My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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