Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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