This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
