I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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