Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
