you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
