I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
