im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize