Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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