I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
