i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You took a bar mat shot.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
