He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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