I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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