im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Someone signed my nipple.
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