P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
