i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
