oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
