Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
