if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize