im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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