If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
