I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
