i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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