By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
