I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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