I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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