You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
