I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
