ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
