Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
