So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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