I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
