The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
