so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
