Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
